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[11 Sep 2008|05:29pm] |
Please just let me let go.
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[17 Mar 2007|10:45am] |
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People are cunts.
Monday my Ipod was stolen.
My 250$ Ipod that I payed for - stolen.
I called Apple, and they were like, yeah we can't do anything about it.
Call the poliece and report it stolen.
WTF would they do.
Nothing.
Reoprting it would be a waste of time.
Fucking assholes.
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[07 Mar 2007|10:12pm] |
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This flood is slowly rising up swallowing the ground
Beneath my feet,
Tell me how anybody thinks under this condition so
I'll swim as the water rises up,
the sun is sinking down
And now all I can see are the planets in a row
Suggesting it's best that I slow down.
Then the water reached the West Coast
And took the power lines
And it was me and you
And the whole town under water
There was nothing we could do
It was dark blue.
I can't sleep.
Been doing shitty,
been feeling shitty.
My therapist sucks.
Things have been shitty.
And the wait is killing me.
I need to hear from Pratt.
Even if its a rejection.
I need to hear from them,
honestly for my sanity.
So I can sleep at night.
That would be lovely,
thanks.<3
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[05 Mar 2007|10:18pm] |
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It was one of those dreams where you wake up startled.
You feel it in your heart, somethings wrong.
You end up staying awake for an hour or so because your scared shitless of what you just 'saw'.
When you finally close your eyes, the dream rushes back to you.
It was horrible.
The water by my house was going down.
I was with my family, and Jessie.
I knew what was comming.
A tsunami.
Panic stricken, after realizing what it was I told my dad, near tears.
He looked at me and told me we still have time.
Time!
TIME!?
No we don't we need to get in a car and drive away. NOW!
He wouldn't.
We had time after all.
My mom made dinner, lobster.
While I watched the water continue to receed.
Jessie was with me then.
I held onto her as I watched the last bit of water disapear-
and braced myself as to what was going to happen next.
It was too late to leave now.
The whole town was out now.
Looking at the canal.
Waiting.
And now it came,
only it wasn't water,
it was sand.
filling the void.
Pulling us all in.
I was expecting death.
I opened my eyes and found something more terrifying.
Life.
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[24 Mar 2006|08:31pm] |
Why do I hate everyone?
WTF.
I've been exersising.
I'm not susposed to, but fuck them.
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[13 Oct 2005|01:57pm] |
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I haven't updated in the longest time.
Relapsing.
Everything sucks, yet its clearer now.
I had to write a paper for fashion, rating stores and their fall garmets. I just finished it, it took me like 4 houres. I thought it was the crappest thing I have ever written and I handed it to my mom and she keeps saying how well I wrote it. How is it that pieces that I write that I think turned out like crap, are actually better then the ones I thought turned out perfect?
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[21 Sep 2005|04:03pm] |
"Death is a fascinating thing... Some fear death, others seek it, but it is in our own nature to wonder at the limits of human life, at least...The sickness occupies your every thought, breaths like a lover at your ear; the sickness stands at your sholder in the mirror, absorbed with your body, each inch of skin and flesh, and you let it work over you, tough you with rough hands that thrill..."
Dear father, I have no intentions of making a peace pact between my body and soul, and neither do I intend to hold back... Therefore, allow me to tame my body by not altering my diet' I will not stop for the rest of my life, until there is no more life left"
-Saint Marget of Cortona, LETTER TO HER CONFESSOR ORDERING HER TO EAT.
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[20 Sep 2005|03:30pm] |
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music |
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Tegan and Sara |
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I need
need
need
to loose weight.
Other then that, I'm doing the diet again. I didn't gain back all 4 lbs. Only 2. Which is bad, and its what I get for being a ashole. Pluss I have this wierd weight on my chest, that makes it harder to breath.
Thats what I get for having an eating disorder.
I was talking to a friend I made at a ed sight, shes stoped.
"It's hard to stop because when you do, you feel normal. I hated feeling normal, I didn't want to feel normal"
"You begin to forget what it means to live. You forget things. You forget what it feels like to feel all right because you feel like shit all the time, and you can't remember what it was like before"
- Wasted.
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[18 Sep 2005|06:53pm] |
I gained back everything.
This could be because when I weighed myself I drank alot of water.. or it could be because I still had stuff from late nights bindge still in me, but it scared the shit out of me.
As a result I worked out for a hour today. Thats nothing though...
When my mom was driving me to the craft store I kept saying over and over in my head:
Mom... I'm bulemic. Mom I'm bulemic. Mom I'm bulemic.
But it never came out. It was at the tip of my tounge.
I want my mom to stop saying I'm too thin.
Im thinner. Im not thin.
I want my friends to stop worrying about me.
I want to be thin.
Im going back on my diet tomorrow. Im going to weigh myself in the morning and I'm not going to weigh myself till next monday.
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[18 Sep 2005|11:40am] |
WTF.
Everything on my user page on my computer is completely blank.
My Itunes is blank. (I have no idea how to put things back to my library)
ALL my favorites are deletes. I had so many ed sights bookmarked.
Threw up twice, then bindged last night.
Im so annoyed.
I dont even know where to start.
Everythings gone.
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[17 Sep 2005|12:46pm] |
I couldn't really sleep last night.
I did, but it was like a half awake half asleep state.
When I did I weighed myself.
I thought I would have been at least 127. WHAT THE FUCK.
4 lbs??!?!!?
Cw: 129.5
Gw: 110
It seems like everything I'm doing is pulling me farther and farther into my ed.
Bindged and purged today.
I was too annoyed to care.
"...And the sharp hiss of one voice that started out softly, as though below layers of moss, or flesh, and graduallyu became so loud it drownded out everything else: Thinner, it said. You've got to get thinner."
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[16 Sep 2005|02:49pm] |
Me and Ashley find it insanly halarious that just about everyone in school gained weight.
It must be a ed thing.
She was mia (she doesn't know about me).
I keep thinking that I want to tell her, but I don't exactly trust her enough. So I guess I don't plain on telling her.
I almost said something mia related today (it almost came out like second nature). I forgot what it was. I think it was something about my diet.
Anyway, tomorrows judgment day. I've decided I'm going to see my weight, then wait out a day and bindge and throw up on Sun. Ive been craving a brownie.
Sorry about the thing Jessie.
We can still have a jello shot party.
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[13 Sep 2005|08:41pm] |
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mood |
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FAT. FAT. FAT! |
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Fat.
Fat.
Fat.
So fucking fat.
F - Fucking
A - a.
T - This sucks.
Can you guess how I feel today?
I hate this, I fucking hate it.
I realized today I don't want to quit.
I want to loose weight. I want to be thin.
IM NOT FUCKING THIN.
Mia is a love/hate relationship.
I miss hating it.
Seriously, if I fucking gain. Even if it's .5 of a lb. Im going to throw up.
I want to go to sleep and sleep, and wake up and it be Saturday.
So I can jump on the scale.
Ps.
Wasted is beyond amazing.
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[12 Sep 2005|06:30pm] |
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Day 3:
I feel absolutely disgusting.
I feel fat and gross and FAT.
I hate it. I want this week to be over.
I want to step on the scale, and I fucking swear if I gain a pound I'm starving till I get back to 130.
I'm seriously not joking. If things don't turn out good I'm going back to Mia. I already miss it.
I'm not going to lie.
I miss it alot.
I wasn't paying attention to what I was thinking last night, and when I came out of my day dream I realized I was thinking about my next bindge.
Icecream with MM's, and chocolate syrup and wipped cream...SHIT.
This is the hardest thing ever. I hate feeling full. I feel so fucking fat.
At least when I was throwing up I knew I was fat but I didn't think I felt so unbelieveably fat.
I feel so fucking FAT.
I want this week to be over.
I looked at myself in the mirror before and started crying.
I am so tired of being FAT.
Along with that shit, I started cutting again.
Being in school makes me want to cut.
Everything about it makes me want to cut.
Its also helping me deal with giving Mia up.
Helping me breath.
Getting rid of Mia makes me feel like Im sufficating.
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[11 Sep 2005|02:16pm] |
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Being on this diet makes me feel fat.
It makes me feel I look fat.
It makes me feel like thin is almost here. Just like 20lbs to go.
I hope this works. I want thin so badly.
Breakfast:
-3 egg whites, 1 egg
-union
-tomato
-hot sauce
-milk
Lunch:
-Bagel massively scooped out
-spray butter
-Carrot sticks with salsa
-3/4 box raisens
'...Everything will be ok when your thin'
Today I found out annother one of my friends is pregnant.
(A girl who I've been talking to from an ed sight)
She is trying to stop too.
Now she has more of a reason.
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[11 Sep 2005|10:20am] |
Yey.
Diet day number 2.
Seriously fuck 120. I want to be 110.
Im not going to step on the scale till next saturday. Im following that old diet plan.
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[10 Sep 2005|11:52am] |
Yeah.
It lasted only 16 houres.
But I'm going to try again today.
So far I consumed:
Breakfast:
3 egg whites
union
tomato
8oz milk
Lunch I'm planning on having:
-1 tuna can
-with untion
-and hot sause.
No mayo
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[09 Sep 2005|04:04pm] |
Last night I made a promise to myself that I would diet normally.
I need to give my heart a brake.
No more chest pains, please.
Anyway I went to sleep very happy because I knew tomorrow was a new day, and tomorrow I will eat normally.
I looked over my old dieting sheets from when I went to a nutritionest.
So, today was a good day. I've been following it so far.
Lets see how long this will last.
Yeah.
He makes me want to cut.
in a good sotra way.
He doesn't do anything to me.
I push myself to do it.
Its complecated.
All I know is that when I have that razor in my hand
I grow calmer.
Because I know that everything will be alright
If I just cut.
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[08 Sep 2005|04:24pm] |
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I want to be healthy.
I want to be healthy.
I want to be healthy.
I want to be healthy.
I want to be healthy.
I want to be healthy.
I want to be healthy.
I want to be healthy.
I want to be healthy.
I want to be healthy.
I want to be healthy.
I want to be healthy.
I'm gonna shed me some skin,
get me real, real slim.
I want to feel my bones
on your bones.
Ps.
I am loving my Conner Oberst newly stenciled pillow case. The hotness.
And he (...not Conner) still makes my heart flutter, and have a slite heart attack.
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[07 Sep 2005|09:54pm] |
Today in school.. all I kept thinking about was.
My god I want to cut,
I want to cut,
I want to cut,
cutting would be really nice right now.
IWANTTOFUCKINGCUT.
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